Surviving Intimate Partner Violence
- Ana Karen San Emeterio
- 11 mar
- 7 Min. de lectura
9 Possible psychological impacts
This information paints a general picture that will not necessarily reflect the experiences of everyone and does not replace therapeutic support. However, I hope that it helps you identify and name what you are experiencing and feel less alone.
If you aren't sure if you are experiencing violence, you can consult this infographic based on the Violentómetro developed by the Instituto Politécnico Nacional (IPN) in Mexico. In it, you can identify different ways in which intimate partner violence can manifest itself. Remember that no matter what type of relationship you have (monogamous, open, polyamorous, etc.), consent is a must, and the relationship's agreements need to be respected.
Below, you will find some impacts that surviving violence in sexual-affective relationships can have on your well-being:
1.Being in survival mode
When we are in danger, our brain prioritizes certain tasks over others, focusing on survival (fight, flee, freeze, fawn). If we feel that danger continues, this state becomes constant, triggering states such as hypervigilance, anxiety, dissociation, insomnia, and difficulty concentrating or remembering things.
What can you do?
Remember that although all these changes are too much now, they have kept you alive.
Try to identify what feels different, and if there are strategies you already know that can help you navigate these changes, integrate them into your daily life.
Seek specialized support, preferably informed about gender violence, intimate partner violence, and trauma.
2.Guilt
Guilt is a social emotion. Its function is to allow us to notice when we have acted in a way that harms others and to be able to take action from a place of empathy to repair our connections. However, when we have this emotion after surviving violence, it is called maladaptive guilt. Some ways in which it can manifest are feeling 'you deserved it' since some of the relationship's agreements were broken on your part, that is your fault for 'not seeing the red flags,' or for feeling it because you became paralyzed and didn't run away when the violence escalated, among others. This type of guilt can cause us to feel anxious, think of ourselves in very negative terms, isolate ourselves, feel 'less' than others, and have self-destructive behaviors, etcetera. The feeling of guilt can be amplified if, for example, you have survived other violent relationships, if your aggressor is a respected member of your community, or constantly blamed you for their action by saying things like: 'Look what you made me do.'
What can you do?
Remember that making you feel guilty is a control strategy by abusers and a way to excuse their behavior.
Remember that we all deserve a life free of violence, it doesn't matter how you dress, how you look, what language you use to communicate, or your beliefs.
Remember that you did what you could with the tools you had.
Seek specialized support informed about gender violence, intimate partner violence, and trauma.
3.Triggers
They are stimuli that bring memories that take us back to the original traumatic event. They are very personal, diverse, and often associated with our senses. This phenomenon happens because our brain cannot differentiate that the information received is due to something that happened in the past and not in the present, which causes us to experience emotions, physical symptoms, and overwhelming thoughts (such as crying out of the blue, panic attacks, nausea, paranoia, and fear, among others). Sometimes, we don't even notice that what we are experiencing is a trigger, increasing the sense of confusion.
What can you do?
Notice if you are having a reaction that seems exaggerated, sudden, and unrelated to your circumstances. You may not be responding to the present situation but to a stressor related to a past event.
Try an exercise to anchor yourself to the present moment (breathing, identifying three things around you, etc.).
Once calm, reflect on the emotions and physical sensations you had, what your senses perceived (smells, sounds, tastes, textures), if you were interacting with someone, where you were, what day it was, and any other information that stands out. This exercise will help you identify patterns and your triggers so you can work on them.
Seek specialized support.
4.Anger
Anger shows us that there is an unwanted situation that requires our attention and needs to change. It gives us energy and sometimes is the only fuel we have to keep going. However, in the long term, it can have negative consequences, such as projecting our anger toward people we love, increasing our risk of suffering from digestive issues, constant muscle contractures, and making us feel overwhelmed or stagnant.
What can you do?
Remember that it is normal and valid to feel anger or righteous rage in the face of violence and a system that normalizes it.
If you don't know where it comes from, try to pay attention to what is happening around you when you feel angry to identify patterns.
It may be helpful to find a safe container for your anger where she can be welcomed, witnessed, and held compassionately, like a survivors' circle, an art therapy group, or a self-defense group.
If anger is the fuel that allows you to keep living in the present, that is okay. When you feel different, look for other activities and spaces that can become complementary resources.
5.Physical Impacts
After surviving this type of violence, you may experience different effects on your mind and body; at a physical level, you may experience chronic pain, migraines, digestive problems, sleep difficulties, and changes in how you experience your sexuality.
What can you do?
Remember that your body is connected to your thoughts and emotions and needs comprehensive health support.
It is of great importance to go for a medical check-up as soon as possible, more so if there was sexual violence, so that any injury, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), or pregnancy can be detected, evaluated, and treated early, as well as, getting a prompt referral to any other services you might need. This process can be emotionally intense; if possible, do not do it alone.
6.Shame
Shame, like guilt, is a social emotion. Its function is to allow us to notice when we have acted in a way that harms others and to be able to take action from empathy to repair ties. However, when we have this emotion after surviving violence, it is called maladaptive shame. You may feel ashamed, for example, because people found out about your situation and it wasn't your decision, or because after being violent, he apologized, promised that it wouldn't happen again, and you believed his word.
What can you do?
Remember that it wasn't your fault.
Remember that shame feeds on secrecy, silence, and self-judgment. Making you feel ashamed is a control strategy by your abuser to prevent you from seeking help and being afraid to speak up or (should you choose to) report it.
When you feel ready, try to share this feeling of shame with someone you trust who will listen to you with empathy and without judgment.
7.Powerlessness
Feeling powerless after surviving an abusive relationship is common. You may feel constantly afraid, without options, not listened to, lacking self-confidence, singled out or distrustful of others.
What can you do?
Break the silence with someone you trust.
If possible, don't have any contact with the abuser.
Give yourself time and space to grieve. (I know that not all of us have the privilege of pausing completely, but having a space to take care of yourself is essential, no matter how small it is.)
Give yourself time to gradually rediscover things that you used to enjoy, find new ones, and reconnect with yourself and with empathetic and loving people.
Seek support to process your experience and to understand what has happened since then.
8.Low Self-esteem
After surviving an abusive relationship, you may feel overwhelmed or inadequate. Self-doubt is a tool that abusers use to exert control. The narrative they project of us, on us, can be internalized to such a degree that, even after the abuse stops, we continue to doubt our decisions, who we are, what we believe, and what we consider to be real or safe.
What can you do?
Remember that the erosion of self-esteem was a gradual process that your aggressor worked on, a control strategy, and a way to excuse their own behavior. Recovering is also a process; be patient with yourself.
Look for spaces and people in your life by whom you feel listened to, nourished, encouraged, and loved, who accept without judging or rushing who you are at this moment and the process stage you are at.
When you feel ready, seek professional support with whom you can outline strategies according to your personal needs.
9.Difficulty connecting with others
You may find it challenging to develop closeness and intimacy or to communicate your real needs and desires. It is common to fear – consciously or unconsciously – getting close to another person after a traumatic experience such as this. It can deeply disrupt how we think and feel about ourselves and our sense of safety. It makes us question our judgment and our ability to set boundaries.
What can you do?
Remember that social isolation is common when you're in an abusive relationship, so try to reconnect with people as much as possible. A good place to start, if your family or friends are no longer a safe option, is support groups for survivors of violence.
Creating social connections is not only a strategy to increase your physical security but surrounding ourselves with genuine and caring people can help regulate our nervous system.
REMEMBER:
Trauma is stored not only in our minds but in our bodies, which is why even when we know we are out of that violent relationship, our bodies continue to react. When you feel ready, seek professional support, therapeutic spaces, or compassionate survivor support groups where you feel listened to and understood and can have guidance about what is manifesting in your body.
I believe you.
It wasn't your fault.
We all deserve a life free of violence.
You survived intimate partner violence, that is not always easy,
please be patient and gentle with yourself.
I'm here for you.